I am rewriting my blog post from last night. A friend has asked me to leave the original, which I can do. But I want the reader to know that particular post was written under the influence of beer and vodka, heavy on the vodka. What follows now is what I intended to write when I sat down, but my brain couldn't organize the thoughts.
After our summer trips, Leo and I were sitting around talking about how exciting our year had been thus far. And what types of things we wanted to do in the future. We realized that with careful planning, we might actually do something very few are able to do: put our feet on all seven continents. Somewhere in that conversation, I began to list all the amazing places and things I have already done. At the time I said to Leo, "I can't believe I've done these things. It wasn't planned. Who would have guessed things would turn out like this? I am truly blessed."
I had been thinking about some way to put these ideas into a blog post, and then Leo got run over by the car. When Leo told me the doctor stated he "would do everything possible to save this leg", we both realized our lives and plans might change drastically. Although I was brave at the hospital, when I got home I called my sister and I cried. For about ten minutes.
Then I started thinking about Leo still being alive. I started thinking about prosthetics. I started thinking about how wonderful our lives had been and how we could still do so many things, and if not, we still had each other.
When I returned to the hospital, I discovered Leo was already thinking about prosthetics, too. And he was laughing. And I was laughing too. And that is the biggest blessing of all, to have a good attitude and grasp of what is important. I didn't always have that.
You see, I suffered from depression since my teenage years. It wasn't constant, but when it would hit, it would bring me down for hours, days and sometimes months. I attempted suicide twice in my late teens. However, I learned I could work. I could function. Just at times the darkness would settle over me. Leo would wait patiently for me to snap out of it. He would always say, "I don't know how to help you, and it makes me sad." I of course, never sought medical treatment, because I figured it was something lacking within myself and I should just buck-up and get over it.
And then the weirdest thing happened. One morning in 2005, I got out of bed and opened the curtains in my bedroom. As the sun warmed my skin I suddenly had a revelation, an epiphany. I immediately called Leo to tell him I just realized the crushing weight was gone. In fact, it had been gone for weeks! I don't know why it left, maybe it was hormonal all along and I outgrew it. No idea. But its gone, and it hasn't come back. Every single day I thank God for my home, my family, my friends, my dog...for everything. And I mean it because it is true. The depression always told me true contentedness or happiness would never happen for me. That I threw away my chances. That I was a bad father. That I was loser who waited tables for a living (what Man does that?) That I was a loser hanging unto Leo's coat tails. But I finally realized the depression lied.
So as we sat together in the hospital, staring down the possibility of an amputation, I should have gone into the hole, down the alley. But it didn't even occur to me...we were telling jokes instead. And that is when I knew what my blog post should be about. That my life really is amazing. And I am thankful for every single day. And whatever happens from this point forward, I will always be thankful for what I've already been given.
See? Isn't this a way happier post than the alcohol infused blabber from last night? I'll leave the other post if you want to compare. Besides, the thanks at the end of it are sincere and I want to shout them to the world. It's a good learning curve for me. Don't hit Publish Post until the hangover has passed. HAHA.
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Last night's post:
This is not the post I wanted to write, but it is the post I am writing. I want to give thanks for my life.
The long review: I am thankful:
I have fished in a canoe on the Han River in Korea.
I have danced with thousands during Mexican Independence Day, September 16th, in the streets of Mexico City.
I have watched the sun rise at the Coliseum in Rome.
I have kissed the man I love in a gondola in Venice.
I have watched a bullfight in Madrid.
I have visited with an indigenous tribe in the Andes Mountains.
I have gambled in Vegas, stood at the Continental Divide, climbed the Arch in St. Louis, teetered at the Hoover Dam, seen the Grand Canyon in snow, cried at the Vietnam Memorial and contemplated the Lincoln Memorial.
I have been to Disney with everyone I have ever loved, except my daughter. She was conceived during a Disney trip, but we haven't been to Disney together. There is no reason she should be sane after her childhood, but she continues to succeed at school and with her fiancee. I don't know if its correct to say Thanks to your child for being so wonderful. But I am thankful!
My family teaches me too.
And my husband. After sixteen years, I still have no idea what he will say. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. And when we don't see eye-to-eye, he gives me space. He encourages me to learn, and he encourages me to be a better person. I am thankful for that.
I tried to commit suicide twice. Once I swallowed an entire bottle of Tylenol along with a gallon bottle of wine. Once I tried to cut my wrists. I still have the scars on my arms. Later I might learn about the scars on my liver. But I failed both times, and for this I am thankful.
Here I am. And I am talkative. I have been handed a unique life. The depression that followed me for years suddenly disappeared in 2005. I don't know if it was a hormone change or age or maturity, but suddenly I am ready for anything. The depression is gone. Oh sure, sometimes I worry that I don't live in the biggest house or the cleanest house. Yeah, I stress too much. Still. But the depression is gone.
And I am so thankful to be here today. I live one of the most blessed lives EVER. I do not deserve my life, my child, my husband or family, my travels or happiness.
(There is so much more with Leo's leg, I am just not ready to address it. This isn't the post I wanted. I just needed to write.)
After our summer trips, Leo and I were sitting around talking about how exciting our year had been thus far. And what types of things we wanted to do in the future. We realized that with careful planning, we might actually do something very few are able to do: put our feet on all seven continents. Somewhere in that conversation, I began to list all the amazing places and things I have already done. At the time I said to Leo, "I can't believe I've done these things. It wasn't planned. Who would have guessed things would turn out like this? I am truly blessed."
I had been thinking about some way to put these ideas into a blog post, and then Leo got run over by the car. When Leo told me the doctor stated he "would do everything possible to save this leg", we both realized our lives and plans might change drastically. Although I was brave at the hospital, when I got home I called my sister and I cried. For about ten minutes.
Then I started thinking about Leo still being alive. I started thinking about prosthetics. I started thinking about how wonderful our lives had been and how we could still do so many things, and if not, we still had each other.
When I returned to the hospital, I discovered Leo was already thinking about prosthetics, too. And he was laughing. And I was laughing too. And that is the biggest blessing of all, to have a good attitude and grasp of what is important. I didn't always have that.
You see, I suffered from depression since my teenage years. It wasn't constant, but when it would hit, it would bring me down for hours, days and sometimes months. I attempted suicide twice in my late teens. However, I learned I could work. I could function. Just at times the darkness would settle over me. Leo would wait patiently for me to snap out of it. He would always say, "I don't know how to help you, and it makes me sad." I of course, never sought medical treatment, because I figured it was something lacking within myself and I should just buck-up and get over it.
And then the weirdest thing happened. One morning in 2005, I got out of bed and opened the curtains in my bedroom. As the sun warmed my skin I suddenly had a revelation, an epiphany. I immediately called Leo to tell him I just realized the crushing weight was gone. In fact, it had been gone for weeks! I don't know why it left, maybe it was hormonal all along and I outgrew it. No idea. But its gone, and it hasn't come back. Every single day I thank God for my home, my family, my friends, my dog...for everything. And I mean it because it is true. The depression always told me true contentedness or happiness would never happen for me. That I threw away my chances. That I was a bad father. That I was loser who waited tables for a living (what Man does that?) That I was a loser hanging unto Leo's coat tails. But I finally realized the depression lied.
So as we sat together in the hospital, staring down the possibility of an amputation, I should have gone into the hole, down the alley. But it didn't even occur to me...we were telling jokes instead. And that is when I knew what my blog post should be about. That my life really is amazing. And I am thankful for every single day. And whatever happens from this point forward, I will always be thankful for what I've already been given.
See? Isn't this a way happier post than the alcohol infused blabber from last night? I'll leave the other post if you want to compare. Besides, the thanks at the end of it are sincere and I want to shout them to the world. It's a good learning curve for me. Don't hit Publish Post until the hangover has passed. HAHA.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night's post:
This is not the post I wanted to write, but it is the post I am writing. I want to give thanks for my life.
The long review: I am thankful:
I have fished in a canoe on the Han River in Korea.
I have danced with thousands during Mexican Independence Day, September 16th, in the streets of Mexico City.
I have watched the sun rise at the Coliseum in Rome.
I have kissed the man I love in a gondola in Venice.
I have watched a bullfight in Madrid.
I have visited with an indigenous tribe in the Andes Mountains.
I have gambled in Vegas, stood at the Continental Divide, climbed the Arch in St. Louis, teetered at the Hoover Dam, seen the Grand Canyon in snow, cried at the Vietnam Memorial and contemplated the Lincoln Memorial.
I have been to Disney with everyone I have ever loved, except my daughter. She was conceived during a Disney trip, but we haven't been to Disney together. There is no reason she should be sane after her childhood, but she continues to succeed at school and with her fiancee. I don't know if its correct to say Thanks to your child for being so wonderful. But I am thankful!
My family teaches me too.
And my husband. After sixteen years, I still have no idea what he will say. He makes me laugh. He makes me think. And when we don't see eye-to-eye, he gives me space. He encourages me to learn, and he encourages me to be a better person. I am thankful for that.
I tried to commit suicide twice. Once I swallowed an entire bottle of Tylenol along with a gallon bottle of wine. Once I tried to cut my wrists. I still have the scars on my arms. Later I might learn about the scars on my liver. But I failed both times, and for this I am thankful.
Here I am. And I am talkative. I have been handed a unique life. The depression that followed me for years suddenly disappeared in 2005. I don't know if it was a hormone change or age or maturity, but suddenly I am ready for anything. The depression is gone. Oh sure, sometimes I worry that I don't live in the biggest house or the cleanest house. Yeah, I stress too much. Still. But the depression is gone.
And I am so thankful to be here today. I live one of the most blessed lives EVER. I do not deserve my life, my child, my husband or family, my travels or happiness.
(There is so much more with Leo's leg, I am just not ready to address it. This isn't the post I wanted. I just needed to write.)
